We’ve made it to the 100th post! I wasn’t sure that I’d make it this far when I started this blog. To be honest, I wasn’t sure I’d be able to make it past The Supernaturalist, never mind Eragon. For 100 posts, I’ve cajoled, mocked, praised, and over-analyzed authors’ choices, re-reading through my childhood and adolescence, one chapter at a time. So I decided it’s time to get a taste of my own medicine.
When I was in junior high, I was obsessed with Lord of the Rings. I’d seen the movies multiple times, I tried to teach myself elvish, and I tried my damnedest to read the books. It wasn’t until I got into Return of the King that I realized I hadn’t absorbed a word of the hundreds of pages I’d read.
This did not deter me from writing an entire fanfiction trilogy of my own. I had high hopes for these stories. I thought that someday, Christopher Tolkien would read and publish them, adding them to the Middle-Earth canon. That dream never came true, and for that, every Lord of the Rings fan should be grateful. These stories are truly, truly terrible, and have never seen the light of day.
I would like to present to you the first story of my trilogy, which has never been given a title, exactly as I wrote it when I was thirteen years old. To be as true to the original text as possible, all spelling errors, author’s notes, and every embarrassing, canon-defying moment have been left intact. I’ve also added a few footnotes of my own, and hope that you’ll forgive the less than elegant coding for the page jumps.
Please enjoy yourself, and I’m sorry.
The Shire Meeting
“Dear old friends” Aragorn started, and glanced around the room. He was at Sam’s home-Bag end, because the Sackville-Bagginses had decided to move, they gave it back to Frodo, though he had move to the Grey Havens, bought himself a home and gave Bag End to Sam, Rosie and their kids.1
“Dear old friends” said Aragorn again. “I have called you here today because I have a feeling that something involving Sauron and I fear the Shire may be involved.” Gandalf stood up “I know he is right. The Orcs have been acting restless. Several travellers disappeared while leaving Bree. The Orcs are moving closer to Hobbiton.”
Legolas stood up. “Saroun was destroyed. Without him, the orcs can stop. they won’t have enough to take over anything larger than a sheep farm.”2
Gandalf sighed. “I wish it was true, but if Orcs can take over Moria against the dwarves, they could take over Hobbiton very easily.”
Frodo asked, in a very small voice, “Why?”
“I think you know the reason.” Gandalf said.
In the next few months, The Fellowship came in and out of the Shire, to check up on things, make sure everything was normal. After 3 months, Rosie was very tired from cleaning up muddy Ranger’s footprints, and asked if they could talk outside, please. Auttom was on its way, so the days were warm, the nights, cool.
Soon, after one prittcularly crisp, Auttum day, Gandalf rode in with alarming news.
“The orcs have two stations, one is 12 miles from the end of the Anrion and the other is too small to locate. I think, we should move, they are indeed seeking revenge for their strength.”
Rosie exploded. “Samwise Gamgee! How dare you leave me, again! I don’t care where you’re going except that it’s away from us, your family.
Sam embraced her. “I’m sorry I’m always leaving home. Rosie, I promise, that soon, everything will be alright.”
A new Arival
As they left the Shire, A small hobbit appeared. She seemed to be about 33, though a bit short for her age. She had dark hair, a few inches shorter than Rosie’s, which looked slightly wet. She had a green dress and white apron on, not to mension a white hankerchief on her head. When she saw the Fellowship, she ran up to them and just started Gabbing.
“Hello! I’m Tigerlily Underwood. You know, Acutlualy, we used to live in the Shire. Are you going on an adventure? You’re all packed. Can I come, please. It will only take a moment to get me my things. I really love adventure, even if it is odd. I was born here, and I don’t travel often. Won’t be more than a mouth, will it?” But the “it” was never heard. She was off, and came back a moment later like she said, in traveling clothes, on a pony she called Daisey.
“Fine.” Aragorn sighed. “Keep this sword close.” he said as he tossed her one. The fellowship stared. “Never know when you might need an extra.” Aragorn shrugged. Soon, they were off to Bree.3
The Road to Bree
Heading to Bree should have been easy, even with Tigerlily, but it wasn’t. They had been traveling off the road where they found a strange creature eating berries. He was blue, and had dark blue stripes across his back. His beak was orangeish-yellowish with talons on his feet. He had gigantic wings, but was small enough for a hobbit to ride. The wings were cloud colored-greyish and white. Because they were so huge on him, it looked as if a breeze could carry him away. His eyes were the most amazing thing about him. They held a fiercness in him that no one could see in him anywhere else. The fire in his heart was seen through his eyes. He could probably paralyze a mouse with that stare. But right now, his fiery eyes were closed and he was almost smiling, if his beak would allow a smile, and the creature was happily munching berries off the bush.4</sup
“MOVE!” Legolas yelled and pushed the creature out of the way and the creature snarled at him, but not after a speeding orc arrow hit a tree Then the creature attacked. Flying high, he hit the orcs with such force, Sam seeing Tigerlily fumbling with her sword, showed her an old tecqnique of his-hitting the orc on the head with a frying pan. In the end, only one group remained – It was the fellowship. Legolas looked for the creature and saw it at his feet. The creature told Legolas his name was Griffith, and he’d be honored to do anything for him. Legolas asked him something that Griffith could not expect. Legolas had asked him to join the Fellowship, for Legolas could see that he was brave, snarling at the king of Mirkwood, and that his aggresiveness and fiernces meant that he would be good in battle. Tigerlily walkes around for a bit, thinking. What kind of Adventure was this, full of killing? And yet, as she looked at Griffith, returning to the berry bush to eat while everyone else sat down, she knew this adventure could be full of saving, too.
As the fellowship walked into Bree Pippin didn’t even need to ask if they could stop at The Prancing Pony. They were worn out by battle, and Pippin wanted a pint.5 After they got rooms, They explored the bar. Tigerlily wandered into a quieter section, looking for someplace to practice her letters and writing words. She had been taught them, but still needed to practice them.6 The quietset corner had grim men smoking thier pipes and talking almost in whispers. It was too dimly lit to even practice letters and word, but she kept wandering it, until she saw a piano sitting in a corner and so she began to play it. Her song began:
I have a gift for you
No time or distance can separate us now.
We have become
the beauty of one
The song continued for sevral more verses. Each verse was written by Tigerlily with Passion for her love of music and her younger sister – Saphire, and for her future husband.
She had become so entranced in her song, that she did not notice the bar had become quiet, nor that Pippin had approached her.
When she back to reality, she looked at Pippin.
“I…uh I really think your singing is good”
“Well, we’ll be over there, Tigerlily.”
In the morning, Pippin could think of nothing else. As Sam, Merry, and Frodo went down for breakfast, he hardly paid attention to what he was eating. All he could think of was her.
After packing and leaving Bree Aragon annonuced to the Fellowship that they would pass the night at Weathertop. Frodo didn’t look too excited.
The fellowship walked up to Weathertop, and with some suprise noticed a small fire on top of it. “Legolas, what do you see?” Gimli asked.
“Someones up there. We should find another place to spend the night.”
“Tch! It’s jut an elf! and one with light eyes, at that. He won’t turn on us.” Griffith landed. “These wings make no sound.”
They were on top of Weathertop. The elf already there was gone, however, his fire was still there, so Legolas scowled the idea that the mystrious elf was still here.
Legolas knew him on sight. He looked like The mystrious elf’s sister. His father had drawn a picture of the mystrious elf’s family line, complete with pictures for all of them. Legolas couldn’t belive what he was seeing–Beoran.7
Before Legolas was born, his father fell in love with a beutiful elf maiden, yet she was a loner. Her whole family was. A loner is an elf who travels alone – they live in no villages, cities, or towns of elves, except by themselves or with small family groups. Loners are looked down upon by other elves, especially from Rivendell.
Now, Beorans sister was ready to move in Mirkwood and start her life as queen. Legolas’ father (seince killed in battle) was head over heels for her. As she was getting ready to move in, her brother reached out to her. He needed help. He had been hurt badly in battle, Sauron was rising, and asked his sister to tend to him. After two years she went back to Mirkwood, but was killed by a band of orcs along the way. Legolas had never know she was trying to come back, All he knew was that she broke his father’s heart by not returning, and so, he figured that Beoran was the reason she dumped his dad. If Beoran was here, it could mean trouble…for Beoran.8
“What are you doing here?” aske Legolas
“Do I know you? relpieded Beoran
“Not by name. I am the elf king of Mirkwood, but no need to ask who you are. Muddy clothes, and alone. You are a loner. You have a sister, and your name is Beoran.”
“Yes Legolas I had a sister, And if you took the time to verify the facts, you may have found the truth. My sister was trying to go back to Mirkwood, yet with Saraun rising, the road can become too dangerous fore a lone elf.” Beoran repled, and Legolas said
“She did not have enough courage for the one she loved!” Legolas and Beoran were circling each other, Legolas pratically spitting.
“No, Legolas, she braved the road to come home – to Mirkwood, but couldn’t”
Legolas opened his mouth to speak, but couldn’t say anything because someone was calling him over for dinner.9</sup
“So, who’s your friend?” Sam asked while serving susages.
“Not a friend-just someone I knew. I thought it would be polite to talk to him.”
Soo while they were slepping, Beoran heard a muffled scream. He was away from the group, but from what he could see, only nine people were slepping over there. Someone was missing. Beoran sat bolt upright. Someone was missing, and noticed something he had not before. It was a crude building, made of sticks and branches with two floors. each had one room.
The two orcs made Tigerlily run to the crude building, which smelled really bad. In the first room, There was a chair and a desk. The two orcs bound her hands behind the chair, not with rope, but with nettles. Finally a tall orc stepped in. He had a great need for some braces, tic-tacs, a shower, a shampoo, and a fashion designer.
“So halfling.” He said in a rough gravelly voice.
“Curse you – curse every halfling! Halfling used to mean nothing. Now Haflings have destroyed the Ring, Destroyed Saroun, destroyed our STRENGTH! Where are you going?” He bellowed.
“I-I don’t know” Tiger Lily responded in a trembling voice.
“Well, let’s give you a night to think about it” He cut the nettle-rope and called two orc gards the led her down into a dongeon. The denugen was actuttaly a hole in the ground, underneath the building. There were bars on the stairs lead up so no one could escpae.
Tigerlily leaned on one of the earthen walls and sighed
Suddenly someone emreged from a showdy corner. It was an elf, dark hair, but light color eyes. “My name is Beoran. I’ve come to help you.”
Soon they both were running up to Weathertop. When they got there, Breathless, Tigerlily tried to explain what the orc had told her.
“So it is true then.” Aragorn said. “But they will try to destroy the hobbits before the elves can destroy the orcs. The elves are regaining their former strength, But the Orcs are losing it. We must go back to the Shire.”10
Return to the Shire
They rode as fast as they could to the Shire. As long as they got there, Sam felt, that Rosie and his family would be safe. He urged Bill on.11
They raced to Hobbiton. The sun was sinking in the west. No hobbits were out. The ground was muddy and dirty. The only plants that grew were nettles and pricker-bushes. Doors were broken and windows were smashed. Hundreds of hobbit feet made footprints in the mud. The holes were disgusting, the broken windows, pieces of furniture on the streets. Were hobbits in those holes? Where was Rosie? But the most disturbing thing was not the nettles or the mud, but it was an old pigpen, with hundreds of child hobbit footprints.
The Discovery of the Hobbits
The hobbits dismounted, Sam pratically crying. He was the only one married w/kids, and he had promised Rosie everything would be fine.
“Run!” Beoran urgently whispered. But it was too late the orcs had come upon them Beoran, Frodo, Merry, Pippin and Tigerlily, but Sam tripped over a root and twisted his ankle.
He fell down and got back up. He started running, yet very slowly. Sam reached for his sword, but the orcs grabbed it first and tossed it away. Then they dragged him back to Hobbiton.
Frodo was fighting Aragorn’s arm, restraning him. Frodo fought, but Aragorn’s arm was just too strong. Frodo finally had to give. “We must go back tomorrow, before sunrise.
Aragon promised Frodo they would.
The Rescue, The Elves, Rivendell
Finally it was morning and before sunrise The fellowship and Beoran snuck into a building, which was made of mud. Branches on the inside gave it shape.
Inside there were strange little beds where all the hobbits were sleeping on.
Beoran and Legolas snuck in quietly, not saying a word to one another and took a sleeping Sam out and to where the rest of the fellowship was.
When Sam woke, at sunrise he looked, not relived, but worried or even scared. “Please, Rosie’s still there. We have to save her!”
The fellowship & Beoran would be hoplesssly outnumbered to take out an army on there own, even w/11 companions. Anyway, they had to try.
The orcs were getting the hobbits ready for a day of work at the mill.
The fellowship rode into hobbiton. Pretty soon the hobbits were amazed to hear horses’ feet and then saw the commanding orc heaad get copped off. Suddenly the battle broke out! There were so many orcs pratically all the hobbits save Sam, Frodo, Merry, Pip, and Tigerlily ran for cover – not in the mud building, but in their old holes. But More orcs just kept coming. It was wall 11 to hundreds.
They had pratically all lost hope until Beoran gave a small gasp.
Miles away, three beutiful elf maidens stood in a line, clapped their hands once and then put them next to each other’s hands, touching them. They all were whispering something.
Suddenly a blue flash occured, and then imdeatly after that there was a yellow flash and a green flash. Soon all the orcs lay dead.
“Who did this?” muttered Gimli.
“Three elf maidens. I saw them” said Beoran.
Legolas didn’t belive him. “I was looking in the same direction, and I saw no one.”
“Legolas,” Beoran said “You do not live alone. When you do live alone, the only person who can look out for you is yourself.”
The hobbits in the Shire were free, but now the beutiful Shire was full of mud and junk. No one could make the plants grow back quickly.
Soon, these three elf maidens Beoran saw came. Their bare feet made footprints in the mud, which produced small sprouts where they were seconds later.
Legolas and Beoran knew at once they were elves from Above. Elves from above lived higher than Middle earth – some people said they lived in cloulds. They could call the sun, clouds, snow, and rain, and they could heal almost anything just by touching it.
The first one started to whisper to they sky in an anhiet form of elvish. She had long, dark brown hair and sea-green eyes. She wore a white dress tinted with light green. After whispering to the clouds a gentle rain came down on the ground, and young plants popped up.
The second elf had shoulder length golden hair. She had bright green eyes and began to whisper to the ground. The young plants grew. Trees grew trunks. Flowers grew buds grass popped up.
The last one had bright blue eyes and rich, auburn hair.
She wispered to all the young plants, and all of them began to grow as fast as she could speak. Weeds grew up faster, but died seconds after they group up. There were no weeds in the Shire anymore. Also the hobbits became more alive.
“Sam! Sam!” Rosie came running towards them.
Sam embraced her and said, “Don’t you rember? I said everything would be okay.”
As the color returned to the stricken faces, someone finally asked the mystrious elves “Who are you?”
The elf who called the rain said “I am Falmarin (name meaning: Sea Spirit) I come from the Lands Above. My closest friends, more like my sisters, have come for a year of training, unless we have reason to stay.”
The elf who whispered to the ground said “I am Wenval” (name meaning: powerful maiden)
The last one said “And I am Erlant” (name meaning: lone bridge)
Then she said “The Shire is now protected. No orc dares to touch what the elves from the Lands Above touches or heals. Please, go quickly. There are other places that need protection.” However, it was getting late, so Sam suggested they spend the night in the Shire, and go first thing in the morning.
Legolas and Erland stayed up half the night, giggling, talking, even a bit of shameless flirting here and there.
After a few more hours, Legolas fell in love, but Erlant only liked him-liked him. She wasn’t ready for love yet. Soon they agreed to go to sleep, but not before Legolas whispered “I love you.” In her ear. Suddenly Erlant new why she couldn’t love him… yet.
“I can only love you back when you fully trust your companions.”
Falmarine, Wenval, and Erlant left before anyone else did. The fellowship and Beoran head out at sunrise. The plan to ride straight into Rivendell, and all the elves have moved back, becaus they felt so secure about the ring being destroyed.
It took them two days and one night to get to Rivendell. THey were going at breakneck speed, Shadowfax leading. Oh well, Bill was getting chubby.
At Rivendell they all had a great feast in a grand hall, and Elrond mostly hung around Aragon, asking how Arwen was and his kids.
“They’re Twins. And they’re all beatiful.”
They stayed for four days before They left. When they left, They were presented with cloaks that would stop them from frezzing to death or getting frostbitten as they crossed Cardaras.
The cloaks were much needed as it was very cold. They prett much decided not to go to the Mines of Moria for obvious reasons. Legolas and Beoran were especially helpful. Snow was thicker this time of year, so the elves (Elves rock my socks!) finally picked up the hobbits, and Aragorn also carried one.
Frezzing, they trudge up the mountain. Until they saw something odd. It was a building on a wide ledge. They decided to not stop becase no one knew who lived there.
They were stopped anway, by a strange looking creater. It was black and had for yellow rings around its stomach. It was like a large dog, with floppy ears and tough paws.12</sup It pratically forced them back to the building. They fell throug the backdoors.
Inside the building it was warm and dry. The creaturs offered the fellowship food, which they all refused — just for safety.
The creatures wouldn’t let them leave until the next morning.
No one knew it, but the creatures were Narions, who could be very ferocus, but most of the time were kind and hospitable, and the reason Gandalf made the stay a night was because they would be very offended if they dared to refuse it.
As they began their desent down the mountain, they saw Falmarin, Wenval, and Erlant. Wenval said, “Be careful and alert. There are orcs nerbye, perhaps marching up the mountain at this very moment. They wouldn’t come up this high, but still…” Frodo pulled out sting. It was faintly glowing around the edges. Soon, Falmarin, Wenval, and Erlant departed.
After one mile, Sting was bright blue. Frodo had been constantly checking it. Everyone got there weapons ready – including Tigerlily, as she had gotten a bit more handy with a sword.
The orcs surronded them – about twenty in all. Suddenly, Beoran and Griffith were gone. “Knew he wasn’t one of us.” muttered Legolas. Griffith did a nice little sky-dive body slam combo, but Beoran was truly with the fellowship. He had just went to a higher place than the others. It was safer, and he could aim better. Soon there was not an orc standing.
The fellowship came down the mountain, the first place they even thought of going was Lorian.
“Greetings from Lorian.” Said Galdrel, yet it was not the Galdriel they rembered. She had a scar around her left ankle and Celeborn was no where to be seen.
Beoran went to talk to her later that night. “Please, what is wrong? You can tell me.”
“Oh, Beoran.” She sobbed on his shoulder. “Oh, Beoran. He’s gone. I can’t belive it. He’s gone. He’s gone. He had to go out.”13
“It’s alright, it is. I lost my dear sister the same way. Trust me. Everything will be fine. I promise.”
The Final Battle
Galdreil smiled at him and squezzed his hand. Her eyes shone. “Oh, Beoran.” Was all she said.
* * *
Every night, Beoran went to talk to Lady Galdriel. She loved to hear of his adventures. She always had. On the third night, however, she gave him a hug to say goodnight. On the fourth night, however, instead of saying good night, she asked him to stay and look at the orc base for her. It was pretty hard to see because it very far away and it was night. this is what he could see:
“The orcs fortress has two doors. There are dark shapes being handed out from the lower door. The look like swords but there are some bows. Many of the swords are being dipped in a bucket.”
“They are preparing for battle” Galdriel said.
* * *
It was true. The next night war crys were heard and thousand of feet and armor.
Not that Lorian was unprepared. They had two lines – one in front and one in behind them. Also, the Narions had heard by the wind that Lorian may be attacked, so they all headed there to help the fellowship by delaying the elves from battle.
The fellowship was surprisingly in neither of these lines, as they were heading to the end of the great river. It had now been twenty-four hours seince Beoran had aroused14 them from sleep and told everyone to get ready, Legolas muttering something about “untrustworthy git” yet they all were praying in there mind that the fight was still on.
* * *
They banked there boats and continued on foot, Aragon leading, until at exactly 12 miles from The great River they saw a fortress. It was made of round stones and mud. A medium sized mound lay in front of it. It had pink and blue flowers spouting up from it and woods behind it. Why the orcs did not touch this area remains a mystery.
Beoran said “they have one last source of strength. It lies in shadows in the dungeon. Be on your gurd. Orcs don’t all battle at the same time.”
* * *
Soundlessly they crept through the earthenware corridors into the dark dungeons of the rock fortress and down to a far cornor in the back. Suddenly, the fellowship heard a scream coming from an upper room. Someone was in trouble! The fellowship could either go up or stay down. Legolas and Beoran went straight up. The knew what the others did not–The scream came from an elf maiden.
The fellowship followed Aragorn and Gandalf down a shadowy hole to the next level. In a showdy corner, There was a black and red glowing ball that seemed to be floating.
* * *
As Legolas and Beoran climbed and reached the exit, Beoran was behind him when he suddenly pushed Legolas down on his face. Beoran let him up a few seconds later.
Legolas turned around to see an arrow in the building, for Beoran saw what Legolas did not. Legolas saw Beoran get up and rushed over to his side “Thank you, Beoran. I can now truly trust you.”
* * *
The glowing ball had an axe, several swords, and Gandalf’s staff pointing at it. Gandalf whispered something to the ball and it devolped cracks and glew w/a fiercness not yet seen. “NOW!” He yelled and everyone stuck their weapon in. Gandalf whispered again. The ball vibrated, rubbing off on the weapons until they could hardly be held then
The ball exploded with blinding flashes and all the orcs turned to ash. And the wind blew the ashes away into the sea.
* * *
Legolas and Beoran were still searching for the screamer.
She came running to them, her dress drenched with blood–black and red. She came gasping to Legolas and fell at his feet. He lifted her up.
He almost cried when he discovered it was Erlant. He picked her up and ran to the mound. He set her down there. “Now I can finally love you.” she said, and kissed him.
Falmarin and Wenval came running towards him. “Please, Legolas, give her to us. She’ll die if she stays here.” It was Wenval.
“Legolas, please. If you truly love her, you will give her to us. Its the only way she will evr live.” That was Falmarin.
Trying hard not to cry he carried Erlant’s almost dead body to Falmarin and Wenval. They disappeared and Legolas was left alone. All that was left was sparkles.
Legolas took his golden arrow that Lady Galdriel had given him and stuck it into the ground where Erlant had laid. He bent down and cried. He cried and cried until Beoran came. The mound now had a name. It was Teardrop Mound. And Legolas had given it that name.
* * *
Legolas slept–a lot. He rarely ate. He often took long walks when he wasn’t sleeping, usually around the boats, as if he was toying with the idea of going to Tearddrop mound. One morning Beoran wasn’t surprised he was gone. He looked and saw Legolas sleeping near the mound. Beoran saw that he was not alone. Falmarin was with him, rubbing his back. Soon all Beoran could see were sparkles and Legolas waking up.
He got in the boat and rowed back to Lorian. When he returned the next morning, the first thing he did was ask for breakfast.
1. This story breaks canon not on the first page, but in the first paragraph. [Return]
2. How do you spell “Sauron” right in one paragraph and not in the next? And why a sheep farm? What kind of example his that? [Return]
3. Wait, what? Who is this random hobbit and why do they take her with them? [Return]
4. It’s probably worth noting that this character was based on the Eyrie neopet, because I was 12. [Return]
5. I was too young to know that pints were the standard beer size. [Return]
6. I wanted to show off that I knew hobbits learned to cook before they learned to read, but couldn’t figure out that adult hobbits wouldn’t need to “practice their letters”. [Return]
7. I sincerely thought “Beoran” was an original name when I wrote this, even though I’d read The Hobbit just a year before writing this nonsense. [Return]
8. That’s it. I will never write anything better than the story of Thranduil’s love life. Please consider this my retirement from fiction. [Return]
9. This is how I end all my confrontations. By going to dinner. [Return]
10. Here’s the thing: I knew that the elves had all left for the Grey Havens. I just chose to ignore it. [Return]
11. Likewise, I knew that Bill the Pony had not been in the picture for some time, but refused to write him out. [Return]
12. Let’s not kid ourselves. I wanted to have umbreons in this story but change it just enough so they were original. [Return]
13. Oh, and Celeborn is dead because no canon is sacred in this terrible, terrible story. [Return]
14. “Aroused” doesn’t always mean the same thing as “roused”, but I didn’t know that at the time. This could have been a very different chapter if I had. [Return}